Struggle.

Struggling is something I have always done, whether I make myself struggle, or life, daily routines, accidents, or achievements have all made me struggle in life, Why? Because I worry. I worry if I did the right thing, if I said the wrong thing, if I acted the wrong way. I always worry. I worry if I am good enough, if I am pretty enough, if I overstep my boundaries, or if I'm "normal." Typical girl worries. But even being on anxiety medicine isn't helping. Keeping myself busy, isn't working. So what do I do? I have the same daily routine, every day. Wake up at seven, put my fiances clothes in the dryer, make a bottle for our son, and make my fiances lunch, go into our sons room, gab him, take him into our room and feed him then after hes fed, change his diaper, go get my fiances clothes, put his lunch by his back pack for work, go back into the room with our son, watch as my fiance gets ready then he leaves for work. Our son plays until I know my fiance is at work, safely, then our son goes and lays down, then I either lay back down, or get up and get the house clean for the day. I try to keep myself busy throughout the day to keep from worrying, see, music doesn't always help, playing with our son doesn't always work. I cannot draw to save a life, don't have many friends to talk too, no one comes to see me, sounds whiny, huh? Well sadly, I'm not trying to whine, I'm trying to be bluntly honest that, THAT'S how boring my life has become. I stay at home, to be a housewife and a mother, so I do not have a job outside the house. This is the life I chose, but the friendships I have tried to keep going is not what I should be doing. My "friends" should be contacting me, as well as I contact them. I'm starting to wonder if struggling to keep these "friendships" going is even worth it? I have so many struggles in life on a daily basis that I can't keep track, so when the counselor comes over, I don't even remember... I feel like I have severe memory loss, both short and long term. I can't remember yesterday, even. I love my life, and I am truly blessed in life, I just wish there was a book written on how life should go or what I can do. Iv'e completely changed my attitude towards somethings, and I have changed my personality in some aspects. I'm getting happier, but I still find myself struggling, especially with things from my past that I thought I had moved on from,coming back to haunt me. I truly wish I could move on and stay happy. Happiness is all I want, all I ask for, all I'm begging to have. So why can't I let myself be happy? I am the toxic person in my life. Ugh. I don't know what to change or how to change, I don't know where to start. Hopefully, one day, one day soon, I can be happy and I can live life the way I should. 

To everyone reading, I thank you for reading. I don't know if you are reading everything single word, nor do I know if you even care, but I see I've had some views and I just wanted to thank you for reading and listening to me whine! :) 

Suicide- How it hurts

Suicide. What is suicide? By definition, Suicide is: the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind. By others definition, suicide is the "easy" way out. To those against suicide, Suicide is the "weak" way out. when you're in that state of mind, rationality is out the window, no matter how rational you think you are being at the time. Suicide no matter what is going on at the time, is never the answer. this is something that i have been put through, something I have considered, but could never go through with. For you? Yes it is the way out, you have no more suffering on earth, but those who are still on earth, they're now suffering, only now those who love you, those who know you. Suicide is a very selfish thing to do. You can always go to someone and talk about it, there are ways to feel better, not necessarily medicine, drinking, drugs, or lame uncomfortable support groups. You can write you're feelings down, you can go talk to someone, one with more deep are dark depression might need medicine; medicine isn't for everyone, and I would always want that as a last resort. Try everything before going to medicine. codependency on medicine or just the side effects alone are some of the reason suicide occurs. I have contemplated suicide for awhile, before my son was born. the reason, isn't really a good reason, it was a chemical emotional thought, and my thinking during this was "why me?" "why do I only go through bad things? Ever heard of "when it rains, it pours?" that's pretty much how my entire life was. I continued to think like that until a little after I turned twenty-two. I woke up one day and said I was done with feeling the way I did. The only way my life was going to get better is if I started to think and act more positively, easier said then done, I know. I was there, remember? But like I said, fortunately I woke up one day wanting all of this negativity out of my life, learn to laugh when bad things happen; {example: when all the bottles fall when I am washing them, or my son "blows out" his diaper and poop goes all the way up his back.}  you have to ease up, you have to learn that bad things happen to everyone, whether people admit it or not, bad things happen to everyone, that being said, not all the same bad things happen to everyone, maybe you've been to a lot of funerals, and our friend might not have been to any funerals. Lucky them? Yes, but, sadly, everyone dies.The point I wanted to make today is that please go to someone and talk to them. Please, if you feel like you have NOTHING to live for, look into your nephew, nieces, cousins, someones eyes and you picture YOU telling them that you died or your planning on dying. See the hurt in their eyes. Could you still consider committing suicide? No? Then talk and get help! If you really think none of your family is there for you then join a group on Facebook, or some other type of social media, EVERYONE uses some type of social media. someone will always be there for you. I tell anyone I come into contact with that if they EVER need to talk, whether they know me or not I will listen, and I will. Too many people are dying too young, and for reasons that seem good, but sadly that's not the case. To Eric, we don't know why you did what you did, yet, but you could have reached out to anyone, and now, your girlfriend is stuck with the last words you said to her, in her head and in her broken heart, your family, all of them are regretful that they didn't call you more. Everyone is upset and hurt, but they wont take the blame, because you did this yourself. Everyone loves you, and we all wish you would've talked to us, rather than what had happened. R.I.P Eric. 

I've been a mom for eight almost nine months now and still have no idea what I am even doing, I'm not married but I do live with the father who is also my boyfriend. I think and I am told I am doing a great job at this whole "mothering" thing, but I still feel like I could do better. I am not one for competition, by no means, but as like most moms, I would like to do the very best that I can. I've changed a lot since becoming a mom, more than anyone could ever realize, in fact, it's more than I realize. Somethings have become easier and more understandable, whereas other things have become harder and misconstrued. I enjoy my life, though, no complaints- other than not being married, yet. We have a starter home that is cute, a garage, three storage buildings, a long driveway, front and back yard. I enjoy all of this, but sometimes I wonder if I am doing enough? Could I clean the house better, or get up earlier and be done faster? Could my son and I actually have a day of no crying, throwing up, or pulling our hair out? Probably. I love my son, and I love my boyfriend, but like most, I wish we had done things differently, and I should have been different from the start. I don't regret anything, no matter what, everything has worked out and life is going amazingly. Although I forget to eat or drink, I get everything I need to, done. I've become waaaaay more responsible than I used to be, but I've lost my mind. I am getting better, but sometimes I would like to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

So this is my life, I'm not writing a Blog to complain or be famous, just writing down some thoughts and trying to relieve some wondering that I have day in and day out. To poor for luxery, to rich for easy.