Struggle.

Struggling is something I have always done, whether I make myself struggle, or life, daily routines, accidents, or achievements have all made me struggle in life, Why? Because I worry. I worry if I did the right thing, if I said the wrong thing, if I acted the wrong way. I always worry. I worry if I am good enough, if I am pretty enough, if I overstep my boundaries, or if I'm "normal." Typical girl worries. But even being on anxiety medicine isn't helping. Keeping myself busy, isn't working. So what do I do? I have the same daily routine, every day. Wake up at seven, put my fiances clothes in the dryer, make a bottle for our son, and make my fiances lunch, go into our sons room, gab him, take him into our room and feed him then after hes fed, change his diaper, go get my fiances clothes, put his lunch by his back pack for work, go back into the room with our son, watch as my fiance gets ready then he leaves for work. Our son plays until I know my fiance is at work, safely, then our son goes and lays down, then I either lay back down, or get up and get the house clean for the day. I try to keep myself busy throughout the day to keep from worrying, see, music doesn't always help, playing with our son doesn't always work. I cannot draw to save a life, don't have many friends to talk too, no one comes to see me, sounds whiny, huh? Well sadly, I'm not trying to whine, I'm trying to be bluntly honest that, THAT'S how boring my life has become. I stay at home, to be a housewife and a mother, so I do not have a job outside the house. This is the life I chose, but the friendships I have tried to keep going is not what I should be doing. My "friends" should be contacting me, as well as I contact them. I'm starting to wonder if struggling to keep these "friendships" going is even worth it? I have so many struggles in life on a daily basis that I can't keep track, so when the counselor comes over, I don't even remember... I feel like I have severe memory loss, both short and long term. I can't remember yesterday, even. I love my life, and I am truly blessed in life, I just wish there was a book written on how life should go or what I can do. Iv'e completely changed my attitude towards somethings, and I have changed my personality in some aspects. I'm getting happier, but I still find myself struggling, especially with things from my past that I thought I had moved on from,coming back to haunt me. I truly wish I could move on and stay happy. Happiness is all I want, all I ask for, all I'm begging to have. So why can't I let myself be happy? I am the toxic person in my life. Ugh. I don't know what to change or how to change, I don't know where to start. Hopefully, one day, one day soon, I can be happy and I can live life the way I should. 

To everyone reading, I thank you for reading. I don't know if you are reading everything single word, nor do I know if you even care, but I see I've had some views and I just wanted to thank you for reading and listening to me whine! :)